Language Choices
Perhaps many people assume that skilful writing is "being good with words". Or, to say it in an upmarket way, articulacy. This manual has started with structural matters, and that is because getting the wording right is much easier, when it is within a comfortable structure.
The topics covered in this chapter are:
- Omit adjectives and adverbs
- Machine translation recovery
- No dangling phrases
- Honorifics
- Appositive phrases
- Avoid colloquialisms
Allow 90 minutes study time, to work the selected examples.
Omit adjectives and adverbs
Not all of them. But the main use of adjectives and adverbs is to convey information. If in your writing they are a condiment - used to spice up the prose - it is good to remember that too much pepper is bad cooking. Color should be added quite sparingly.
Example
Eleanor Boardman (August 19, 1898 - December 12, 1991) was an American model and silent film actress best remembered for the film, The Crowd (1928). She was the wife of legendary Hollywood director King Vidor.
[From Eleanor Boardman]
Proposed solution
Omit “legendary”. King Vidor may be well known, and there can be legendary kings, but the article is about his wife. And in any case, Vidor is not literally in a legend. You can use “prominent”, “noted”, or “celebrated” for famous people, rather than this kind of routine tinsel.
Example
Telegram as a company, is promoted quite differently compared to its rivals. A very large accent is pointed towards full privacy, and company has done a great job in making this feature recognisable. Privacy is a very first association with company’s name.
[From Telegram]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
The promotion of Telegram is distinctive. An emphasis on complete privacy has been successfully associated with the company name.
Comment: Here the adjective "complete" and the adverb "successfully" are taking the strain. The original is scattergun in its language.
Machine translation recovery
In the worst cases, the results of machine translation can be a word salad of unusable text. They go beyond what any non-native speaker might write, transgressing the rules of idiomatic English massively.
Things are not always that bad. Cleaning up such texts means recovering enough of the the original sense, and simply dropping anything of marginal value.
Example
The year 1966 is for Gianni Morandi the year of sentimental commitment: he marries Laura Efrikian but the following year he is forced to leave military, an event followed by gossip magazines with great apprehension. The hero of the melody, the boy all "home-church and mother", with weapons in hand: never let it get hurt. After the worrying year as a marmittone, Gianni returns to the track in better shape than ever, winning the first place in the "Canzonissima" broadcast.
[From Peer review – Gianni Morandi]
Proposed solution
In 1966 Morandi married Laura Efrikian, then next year he had to do military service. The press dramatised his 12 months as a rookie soldier. He returned to singing none the worse, winning first place in the "Canzonissima" broadcast.
Comment: "marmittone" was left untranslated. The meaning here can be found by searching online.
Example
But the talent of Loredana Bertè is in music, and in 1974 he released his first album: it is immediately a scandal, because Loredana with well-meaning players will have to fight for a while ... "Streaking" is the title and Loredana appears naked on the cover. It is only the first of a long series of complaints: the cover is changed, but also meets the ostracism of the then public radio, not inclined to transmit songs from strong texts.
[From Peer review – Loredana Bertè]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Loredana Bertè’s talent was for music, and in 1974 she released her first album. It was entitled "Streaking", she appeared nude on the cover, and there was a scandal, the first of many. The cover was changed, but the album was banned by public radio, because of the content of the songs.
No dangling phrases
Dangling phrases often escape attention, but they create spurious logical problems with what the phrase refers to. To put it another way, they are criticized as lame semantics, damaging the clarity of the sentence containing them.
Example
This is an attempt to apply what Robert Shiller, a Nobel economics laureate at Yale University, calls “narrative economics”. The subject of a future book, he discussed it this week at a Columbia Business School conference.
[Financial Times 10/11 March 2018]
Comment:This example, a two-sentence paragraph, is from a prominent columnist. The issue is quite well camouflaged, but comes up with “The subject of a future book”, a dangling phrase. It is not so clear, in terms of construction, since Shiller actually might be the subject of a book. We have to infer ourselves that “narrative economics” is the subject of his book.
Proposed solution
This is an attempt to apply what Robert Shiller calls “narrative economics”. A Nobel economics laureate at Yale University, he is writing a book on the subject, and discussed it this week at a Columbia Business School conference.
Comment: This construction is clearer because the first phrase in the second sentence can only apply to Shiller.
Example: Cure the marked dangling construction
David was born on October 15th, 1979 and grew up in Copenhagen, Denmark. He majored in Computer Science at Copenhagen Business school. While in college he got the attention of Jason Fried who ran a web application company in Chicago, Illinois called 37Signals. David offered Fried help with PHP coding. PHP is a server-side scripting language designed primarily for web development. Though David was still in college he was not new to web development. His love for video games and computers had inspired him to build a gaming news website and community called Daily Rush, which he launched in 1999. With this experience under his belt, Fried took him up on the offer and David began working remotely for 37Signals. It was during this time that David developed Ruby on Rails as a tool for the company to use on a project. A year later they released Rails for public use and his career took off.
[From The Life and Success of David Heinemeier Hansson]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Replacement for the troublesome sentence:
Fried took into account Hansson’s experience, and accepted the offer. Hansson then began working remotely for 37Signals.
Comment: Something was said in Chapter 1, in the "Pronouns" section, about usage of surnames. Mixing David and Fried as ways to refer creates a one-sided tone. It can probably be found in popular biographies, as well as journalism, but it is not encyclopedic.
Honorifics
There are numerous titles, respectful forms of address and customary honorifics that are used with personal names. Sometimes these carry useful information: saying “Pope Francis” rather than just “Francis” gives a unique identification. Often, though, titles are more a conventional matter than really helpful. In that case, from an encyclopedic point of view, they can and should be omitted.
Example
It was not until 1984 that the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers (IEEE) awarded Mr. Harry W. Rubinstein the Cledo Brunetti Award for early key contributions to the development of printed components and conductors on a common insulating substrate. Mr. Rubinstein was honored in 1984 by his alma mater, the University of Wisconsin-Madison, for his innovations in the technology of printed electronic circuits and the fabrication of capacitors.
[From Printed circuit board]
Proposed solution
Omit “Mr.” in the two places where it occurs.
Example
Some well known scholars, writers and historians, like the late Dr. L.A.Ravi Varma of Travancore, have expressed the view that this Temple was established on the first day of Kali Yuga (which is over 5000 years ago).
[From Padmanabhaswamy Temple]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Well known scholars, such as L. A. Ravi Varma of Travancore, have expressed the view that this temple was established on the first day of the age Kali Yuga, which would make it over 5000 years old.
Comment: The reader may not know about Kali Yuga. That is a reason to clarify the language. Whether or not to expand further on this term from Hindu scripture is a judgment call. It could be done by replacing "the age" by a fuller appositive phrase, the topic of the next section.
Appositive phrases
By definition these are noun phrases (including nouns alone) that describe the subject of a sentence. An example would be "the iconic festive figure" applied to Santa Claus. These phrases can act as placeholders for the subject. And sometimes they should, while on other occasions they are not much more than padding.
You need to look at how relevant the information they contain may be, and how well the text reads.
Example
Shortly after Newton developed his reflector, an obscure French Catholic priest named Laurent Cassegrain invented a reflector that used two mirrors to fold a long optical path into a shorter tube. Now almost all reflectors use a variation of the Cassegrain telescope.
[From Peer review – Schmidt–Cassegrain telescope]
Proposed solution
An otherwise little-known French Catholic priest invented a new type of reflector telescope, shortly after Isaac Newton developed his. He was Laurent Cassegrain, with a reflector that had two mirrors to fold a long optical path into a shorter tube. Now almost all reflectors use a variation of this Cassegrain telescope.
Example
Technology and payment service provider company Stripe announced on July 31, 2014, before the launch of Stellar, that the organization has invested $3 million in the project to “help it going”. According to Stripe, the organization not just seen the potential in Stellar but they think Stellar’s protocol could help their efforts greatly.
[From Stellar (protocol)]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
On July 31, 2014, Stripe announced that it had invested $3 million in Stellar to “help it going”. This was before Stellar’s launch. Stripe is a technology and payment service provider company, and it had seen the potential in Stellar for its own business.
Avoid colloquialisms
There is a gap between the spoken language and the written language, in English as for hundreds of other languages. The difference may be "kinda hard" to express, but as that phrase shows, it is definitely there. Reference material may well allow for jargon, which can be explained, but it doesn't allow the use of colloquial language, which is unhelpful for exposition.
Example
The name "India Pale Ale" is derived from Hodgson Brewery's location to the East India Docks in Blackwall, East London and as its popularity gained, the beer was shipped to other British territories and became a popular and mainstream choice in England by the mid-19th century. Hodgson and his two sons attempted to capitalize off of this popularity by price slashing and credit limit manipulation to try and monopolize the supply and shipment of the beer.
[Peer Review – India Pale Ale]
Suggested solution
As India Pale Ale gained market share, the beer was shipped to other British territories, and it became popular in England by the mid-19th century. The name came from Hodgson Brewery's location near the East India Docks in Blackwall, East London. Hodgson and his two sons attempted to capitalize on its popularity by price slashing and credit limit manipulation, trying to monopolize the supply and shipment of this style of beer.
Example
Russia is a big country where lots of unique cultures and traditions meet. It is a huge Country and there is no way you can explore the entire area with one vacation. If you're going to go to Russia in winter, you definitely need to find a pair of rather warm shoes and thick socks.
[From Kremlin and Red Square, Russia (rejected)]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Russia is a large, diverse country. Geographically, its scale is such that it cannot be explored in one vacation. The Russian winter requires proper footware.
Comment: Taking out the chatty style, it becomes clear that the content is weak, with little that is strictly factual.