Re-Order
You may know this joke: the piano-player says he is playing the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order. So it is with articles. There are often things you can do, switching material around, that end up being a big improvement.
This chapter covers:
- Lead (lede) sentence and section
- Passive constructions
- Avoid front-loading
- Move up
- Logical flow
- Avoid duplication
To work through these six sections, allow 90 minutes
Lead (lede) sentence and section
The lead section, sometimes called “lede” by journalists, is where an article states its business, before getting down to details. For a reader, it is most helpful if it serves as a quick introduction, sufficient to decide whether to read on.
A basic reason to reorder material in an article is that the existing lead section fails to do that, or even that there is no clear lead.
Example
Pakistan being an Islamic state and having strong historic ties with the religion of Islam resulted in constructing a number of mosques in every era in the region. Some mosques are so spectacular that you cannot believe in the sheer brilliance of the architects and engineers who contributed in the construction of those amazingly beautiful mosques in the region. The Wazir Khan mosque is one amazing piece of artwork which is appreciated for its incredibly awesome faience tile work. It is located in the city of Lahore and is famously called as the ‘mole on cheek of Lahore’.
[From Peer review – Wazir Khan Mosque]
Proposed solution
The Wazir Khan mosque is located in the city of Lahore, Pakistan, and is sometimes called the “mole on the cheek of Lahore”. It is noted for its faience tile work.
Example
Angelo Georgalli is a celebrity chef of the famous television show, ‘The Game Chef’. With a chef father and ‘really good cook’ mother, it is safe to say that cooking ran in the blood of young Georgalli. He spent the better part of his early life watching his father grow his own food and harvest his own meat. This had a deep impact on young Georgalli’s life and helped him realize the importance of having naturally sourced and organic food. Angelo Georgalli never did a cooking course in his life. Whatever that he knows of cooking has come from his parents and his own creative talent to churn out a simple yet creatively yummy dish out of any ingredient. The other thing that worked for Georgalli was his ability to think out-of-the-box. Besides cooking, he had a passion for fishing, archery, hunting and going outdoors. As such, when he was confronted with an idea of a TV show, Georgalli made the most out of it and combined his two great loves (cooking and fishing/hunting) to cumulatively form ‘The Game Chef’. Broadcasted in more than 90 countries across the globe, the show singularly made Georgalli an overnight star. His vision and his message ‘to know what you eat’ struck a new chord with the viewers. Georgalli aims at promoting home-cooked food which ensures a healthy lifestyle.
[From Angelo Georgalli]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Angelo Georgalli is a celebrity chef from the television show, ‘The Game Chef’. He is self-taught, but from a family background heavily involved with cookery and food production, and promotes home-cooked food. His emphasis on game comes from a personal passion for fishing and hunting.
Passive constructions
“The chicken crossed the road”, rather than “The road was crossed by the chicken”. This kind of change usually makes plenty of sense in writing, because it is simpler, more direct. Removing all passive constructions can harm nuance, though.
Example
The first serious stake of $5 million was sent to the company by the Japanese computer giant Fujitsu and proposed a joint product development, in return, he was granted a license to use Amdahl's patents. This move was also encouraged by the German computer maker in Amdahl's company in return for the right to sell its computers in Europe.
[From Peer review – Amdahl Corporation father of "big" computers]
Proposed solution
Fujitsu, the Japanese computer giant, took the first major stake of $5 million in Amdahl, proposed joint product development, and licensed Amdahl's patents. Nixdorf Computers of West Germany in 1972 invested $6 million, for the right to sell Amdahl computers in Europe.
Example
Most of the German games are designed to have indirect conflicts between the players instead of direct conflicts, is very unusual that in a German game there is the possibility to eliminate a player from the game before it ends.
[From German Board Game]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Designers of German board games try to set up indirect conflicts between the players, rather than direct confrontations. In these games it is unusual if a player is eliminated before the game is over.
Avoid front-loading
It is a mistake of style to attempt to tell the reader everything you know on the topic, all at once. At least you should pause for breath!
Start with the defining idea. But don’t try to pack it into one sentence, if it doesn’t fit naturally.
Example
A game of ball between two nine-player teams usually played for nine innings on a field that has as a focal point a diamond-shaped infield with a home plate and three other bases, 90 feet apart, forming a circuit that must be completed by a base runner in order to score, the central offensive action entailing hitting of a pitched ball with a wooden or metal bat and running of the bases, the winner being the team scoring the most runs.
[From Baseball. This is a well-known dictionary definition of the game.]
Proposed solution
Baseball is a game of ball between two nine-player teams, the winner being the team scoring more runs. It is usually played for nine innings on a field that has as a focal point a diamond-shaped infield with a home plate and three other bases. The central offensive action involves hitting of a pitched ball with a wooden or metal bat and running of the bases. Those bases are 90 feet apart, forming a circuit completed by a base runner in order to score.
Example
Structural engineering is a sub-discipline of civil engineering in which structural engineers are trained to understand, predict, and calculate the stability, strength and rigidity of built structures for buildings and nonbuilding structures, to develop designs and integrate their design with that of other designers, and to supervise construction of projects on site. They can also be involved in the design of machinery, medical equipment, and vehicles where structural integrity affects functioning and safety.
[From Structural Engineering.]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Structural engineering is concerned with whether structures, such as buildings, are stable or likely to fall down. It is a sub-discipline of civil engineering, and structural engineers are trained to understand built structures, in terms of their stability, strength and rigidity. They do calculations and make designs based on them, work with other designers, and supervise construction projects on site. Their field of work may include machinery, vehicles and medical equipment.
Move up
An article or just a paragraph can be much helped by bringing a key sentence to the top.
Example
Some discoveries, like solar cells, were almost random. In the case of transistor improvements, they encountered a material that converted sunlight considerably into electricity. And the solar cells were expensive - the average household would have to buy $ 1.5 million for the needs of its then needs. A similar coincidence paved the way for another Nobel Prize. When testing microwave receivers, Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson found that their receiver receives strange radiation. After an exhausting search for a mistake (which included also the thorough cleaning of the antenna and the removal of the dove's pigeons, so that nobody would say that the way to Nobel's light was easy), they came to terms with the defeat. But later, with the help of Robert Dicke, they found out that there were remnants of the Big Bang radiation. Other discoveries were the result of long-lasting work, for example, a laser and a MOSFET transistor, the latter being the basis for a number of integrated circuits. The number of employees in Bell Labs increased to about 15,000 employees in the mid-60s, of which 1,200 doctors. In those years, Bell Labs has established microwave links between cities and submarine cables between the continents. In 1969, Willard Boyle and George Smith invented a CCD CCD sensor and was awarded the Nobel Prize for this four decades later.
[From Peer review – Bells Laboratories]
Proposed solution
Bell Labs during the 1960s did work later rewarded by Nobel Prizes. The staff increased to about 15,000 in the mid-60s, of whom 1,200 had doctorates. Some discoveries, such as solar cells, were close to being matters of chance. Researchers on transistor improvements encountered a material that converted sunlight into electricity. Coincidence also paved the way for another Nobel Prize when, testing their microwave receivers, Arno Penzias and Robert Wilson found strange radiation. After an exhaustive search for errors, including a thorough cleaning of the antenna, they admitted defeat; but later, with the help of Robert Dicke, they realised the “errors” were remnants of the Big Bang. Further discoveries were the result of long-term work, for example, a laser and the MOSFET transistor, for integrated circuits. During that decade, Bell Labs established microwave links between cities and submarine cables between the continents. In 1969, Willard Boyle and George Smith invented the charge-coupled device sensor, recognised by a Nobel Prize forty years on.
Example
The main subject of hunting cheetah are representatives of hoofed animals: zebra, impala, wildebeest, gazelle. The predator also eats hares, and in group hunting three cheetahs quite successfully win the fight with a large and strong ostrich. Surprisingly, cheetahs never eat carrion, and they rarely return to the caught prey after a meal, preferring to hunt a fresh victim again, although sometimes they hide their lunch in the bushes.
[From Peer review – The fastest land animal]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
Cheetahs do not eat carrion, and normally do not eat twice from killed prey, though they may conceal it. Their victims are typically zebra, impala, wildebeest, or gazelle, all hoofed animals. Smaller prey include hares, and in groups cheetah can take on an ostrich.
Logical flow
A paragraph, and indeed a whole article, should not just be thrown together from things on your mind. Putting those things in some logical order is necessary.
Imposing a convincing logical flow, on a piece of writing that lacks it, is a powerful technique. It is one of the most important tools in a writer’s toolbox. The chosen examples bear particular study.
Example
From massive social media platforms like Facebook and Twitter to the ability of mass media organizations to send push notifications to millions of people's phones instantly, technology has only exacerbated binary thinking among individuals and had an even greater effect when analyzing the macro implications of mob mentality that drives much of the trending content on social media platforms today. A discerning individual may be able to compartmentalize and contextualize the influx of information that they receive everyday from their connected devices, but their gravitation towards confirmation bias on a broader scale due to the effects of social and mass media can lead to problems. Many times when looking at disputes about social or political issues on media platforms or debates within homes among family and friends, the individual's opinion on a specific matter becomes replaced by an amalgamation of positions among the group that not only misrepresent a specific topic entirely but can actually unknowingly warp a person's view from their original genuine thought process into something entirely different in order to fit within one of two sides that a debate is ultimately relegated to. Common occurences of this include debates that begin with topics that have an inherent dichotomy and lumping them together with other issues that are much more fluid, then proceeding to vehemently argue on behalf of one side or the other despite the issues being entirely unrelated. The obvious and most profound example of this is with politics between Democrats and Republicans (or conservatives and liberals if you choose not to identify with a party). Long standing issues that have been debated consistently over the years have been intertwined with new developments in geopolitical structures and technological improvements when they should be separated and analyzed independently.
[From Peer review – Contemporary Implications of Technology and Mass Media on Social Binarism]
Proposed solution
This paragraph as written is in a stream of consciousness style: one can imagine it as part of a one-sided conversation, when the speaker is trying to formulate a convincing position. It is not, however, encyclopedic.
What to do with this kind of writing?
First, break out some key points: “technology has only exacerbated binary thinking”, “confirmation bias”, “amalgamation of positions among the group”, “inherent dichotomy”, “lumping of issues”, “politics”, “intertwining with new developments”. Then try to sort them.
“Politics and the lumping of issues together have been around a long time, and some issues do indeed lead to dichotomy. We know that welcoming the fall into confirmation bias and forming of coalitions based on amalgamation of positions are what humans do in some circumstances. It is argued that new media and the treatment of technological developments by conflating them with older issues are leading to increased social binarism, i.e. polarization of views.”
Whether or not you agree, this paragraph does have a “logical flow”. It frames the issue under discussion as a status quo that has been disrupted. It is still argumentative.
Example
Kodak has a long and varied history behind it. George Eastman founded a company of love for photography, innovation and a strong desire for success 133 years ago in the US city of Rochester, New York. He went into business with the mission he had set as early as 1877 when he planned to leave. At that time, he decided to buy a camera with which he would always remember his holiday days. But everything did not happen as expected, as the camera, to put it mildly, did not prove to be the best. It was big as a toaster and very difficult to use. From then on, Eastman was considered a man with a mission, one of his greatest desires to make the cameras as handy as pencils. This has succeeded over time and is now recorded in history as one of the pioneers in the field of photography.
Kodak set up a bunch of landmarks in its history. Among other things, the company invented a film for analogue cameras, which quickly became a standard in the industry, and the first camera that operated on the principle of simple and simple use and brought the world of photography closer to the general public. Over the years, this American manufacturer has introduced a range of new and useful products and processes that make photography even more fun and, above all, simpler.
[From Peer review – Kodak]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
In 1877 George Eastman planned a vacation and bought a camera. It was bulky and hard to use, not what he had hoped for to make a record of his holiday. He went on to found a company, Kodak, in Rochester, New York, intending to make photography more convenient and enjoyable. It created a standard film and simple cameras.
Avoid duplication
Saying things twice usually troubles the reader. Using a phrase or single word repeatedly is noticeable.
Duplication is clumsy and mostly easy to avoid, when it is intentional for emphasis. It is certainly permissible if what you are doing is developing in more detail what is said in the lead section (so-called inverted pyramid, an example of a logical flow).
Example
She found it difficult to get theatrical work due to her thick southern accent and faced rejection on a consistent basis. She took elocution lessons to lessen her thick southern drawl.
[Peer review – Dorothy Sebastian]
Proposed solution
Because of her thick southern accent, Sebastian found it difficult to get theatrical work. She took elocution lessons after consistent rejections based on this drawl.
Example
Two Mexican colleges from 'Mascarones' and 'Marista' college, created two different teams called "Record", and "Colon". Both squads decided that it was best to form together as one, and they agreed amongst themselves. They then got the best players from both teams and created the team Club America on Columbus day and that's how they came up with the name because it was Columbus day. The teams crest was then designed and the map of America is on the center of the team logo along with the letters 'C' and 'A', which stands for Club America.
[From Peer review – Club America]
Please work out your proposed solution for the example just given, before scrolling down further!
Proposed solution
“Record” and “Colon” were Mexican college student teams that merged. They formed a joint team on Columbus Day, which suggested the name Club America. As a club logo they took a map of the Americas with the initials CA.